grateful recovering addicts
Jan. 11th, 2009
I'm looking for other people who are Christian and 12 steppers, NA in particular. It works for me. I don't have anything against other fellowships or ways of recovering. Friend me, message me, comment me, whatever, just don't start a debate over religion or any other crap. Thanks.
Dec. 14th, 2008
04:19 pm - Being there for a friend
One of my best friends in recovery relapsed this weekend. I thank whatever is out there that she didn't end up in the hospital or die. I'm so grateful that she decided to tell me. She said she knew she could tell me because of how close we are. I would never judge her. The only advice I could give to her is that she's gotta dust herself off and get back up again. That was what my dad told me when I relapsed last year. I'm glad she doesn't want to continue to use and is going to a meeting tonight. I'm going to meet her there. It makes me want to cry, but I know she's a strong person and will get through this.
I know many of you don't know who I mean, but can you please keep her in your thoughts for me? Say a prayer or whatever you like to do.
Nov. 5th, 2008
I dont pick up drugs today because I dont believe the lie in my head. I dont believe what my disease tells me today. I dont pick up drugs because I see what it did to my family and my close friends. I dont pick up drugs today because I was granted a second try by God, and I dont know if his grace guarantees a third. I dont pick up drugs today because I want to live and grow old like normal people do. I have stood in front of a judge and been handed a sentence clean. I have gone to shows clean.I have gone through bitter relationships clean. I have lost my job, like so many others, clean. I have gotten married clean. I have sat on the edges of mountains. I have swam in the ocean. I have buried my best friend. I have done it all clean. Started school, quit smoking, moved twice, flown on airplanes,learned how to fix cars, and bikes...... clean. I have learned to talk to God. And I have learned to listen. All of this is a result of working the program of Narcotics Anonymous. They say that nobody works this program perfect. I have stayed clean for over two years, That sounds perfect to me.
Nov. 4th, 2008
11:18 am - Patience, Love and Tolerance
I haven't journaled in a while because I haven't really had anything to say or anything I necessarily felt very strongly about but when I know that other people in the rooms are hurting because of the actions of others, I get fired up. When I first got clean, I believed that once everybody got clean and started going to meetings that we were all there for recovery and to get better. BULLSHIT!!!! Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that not everyone is at a meeting for recovery. Hell, if I stop and count on two hands the people I know who have NEVER (in a few years of being around) worked all 12 steps. I mean I understand taking your time but come on. Do something different. However, just because I wanted to work the steps and continue working the steps and learn about who I am and how to change the things about me that I don't like, doesn't mean that the rest of the group does. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it is irritating to see people do the same thing over and over and over and over again and share about the same things constantly but yet when we offer suggestions, they go in one ear and out the other because some people just aren't ready to do anything different. Unfortunately, people get hurt. I trusted someone with my life in these rooms in the beginning and just assumed they were there for the same reasons I was (had some time but did nothing different from day one). I got hurt to the core. Thought about telling everybody in NA to go to hell. I figured everyone was gonna screw me over. Luckily I found out that is not true. For the one truly sick soul who obviously wants something different or they wouldn't keep coming back to the person who is at every meeting working steps diligently, we are all here for one common purpose....to stay clean just for today. Nobody said I had to get well and be perfect.
Oct. 14th, 2008
I hate drama. I hate chaos. Though I do still participate in both on occassion it is usually for a very short period of time and then I start to feel sick to my stomach and stop that shit. However, when you sponsor women in recovery there is so much more drama and chaos to have to deal with. Not personally but I have to hear about alot and try to give suggestion to help deal with the drama and chaos. When more than one of them is in the middle of drama (I have 8...too many but it is what it is) I feel like I am out of control. Every phone call seems to be 911. I have one right now who is in the middle of a complete meltdown and it seems like everything she learned in over 7 years clean (she recently relapsed) is gone. The reality is she is a newcomer again and I have to remember that. I am just trying to talk about this before it begins to control my thoughts. I cannot do anything other than pray for her and offer suggestions. What she chooses to do from there is her decision.
Oct. 1st, 2008
09:26 am - Been far too long........
I have been online everyday and reading livejournal everyday but have not felt like updating my journal. Why? Not sure. I have just been in a weird place, very busy with sponsees and other people in recovery not to mention the people in my life that are not in recovery. I think I am exhausted. Hell, I know I am exhausted. Almost to the point of just not wanting to participate in recovery anymore which is a scary place for me to be but it is exactly where I have been. I have got to better with setting boundaries with sponsees and not feeling like I have to answer the phone everytime it rings. The damn thing rings off the hook. Don't get me wrong....I am unbelieveably grateful for those women. But sometimes I just want to say, "when do I get to fall apart?" I mean I have a sponsor but I am too busy sponsoring most of the time to take the time to call my sponsor. Which is my fault I know but it is the reality. Sometimes I guess I just want to say enough. I don't know the answer and can't help. But the truth is, I can. I can always help by listening. I don't have to have the answers. But I put so much pressure on myself to "live up to other people's expectations" that I wear myself out. So, basically this is all my shit. I guess my main point is I just needed to say whoa! for a minute and realize I am not superwoman/supersponsor and I have got to take the time to work on me. After all, nobody else can do that for me.
Aug. 20th, 2008
08:29 pm - fuck it
i am back. i have taken 50mgg of xanex. just another maryter for this disease.
Aug. 18th, 2008
03:43 pm - Looking at me.....no thanks....
I was in my homegroup meeting last night and someone shared something that was so profound to me at that moment, I can't believe I didn't high five him in the meeting. He was talking about not coming to many meetings. He said , "Ya know...sometimes it's just easier to sit at the house than to have to face the truth about yourself." Holy shit! I have been going through this phase where I am having to make myself go to meetings. Why? Couldn't tell you. Sick of the same old stuff on one hand. That same ole stuff that is comforting to me sometimes. Basically, nothing is wrong with anyone in the meetings or the meetings themselves. I have some truth about me I need to look at and I don't want to. I feel the truth about to bust out of me in a meeting and I guess I am afraid of what people will think. I make myself crazy!
Aug. 10th, 2008
09:12 pm - Rock!
I finally finished my First Step this afternoon. I was going to finish it before I got to my year clean, but my lazy ass didn't make it. Well, better late than never. Hopefully, I'll be able to share it this Wednesday.
Jul. 11th, 2008
Sometimes I forget the very basic things that kept me clean in the beginning. Things such as Keep it simple...take it easy...it's the first drug that gets you...it is and always will be my choice to be happy. I have been in a very negative place for quite some time now. Basically because I wasn't getting what "I" wanted when "I" wanted it. So, I just decided that being negative and unhappy was comfortable and that is where I have stayed. It is officially uncomfortable now. I am sick and tired of being negative and unhappy. These are things I had just told my mom and my husband. I chaired my homegroup meeting last night and we read the meditation for July 10 (which follows my post) and it was like somebody (my Higher Power maybe?) slapped me upside the head. I choose to be negative and unhappy when the easier way to live this life I have learned in recovery is to make the choice to be happy and live in a positve way. I just wanted to share the good news of my getting to a better place. I have shared enough negative.
“That old nest of negativism followed me everywhere I went.”
Basic Text, p. 135
A negative attitude is the trademark of active addiction. Everything that occurred in our lives was someone or something else’s fault. We had blaming others for our shortcomings down to a fine science. In recovery, one of the first things we strive to develop is a new attitude. We find that life goes a lot easier when we replace our negative thinking with positive principles.
While a negative attitude dogged us in our active addiction, all too often it can follow us into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. How can we begin to adjust our attitudes? By altering our actions. It isn’t easy, but it can be done.
We can start by listening to the way we talk. Before we open our mouths, we ask ourselves some simple questions: Does what I’m going to say speak to the problem, or the solution? Is what I’m going to say framed in a kind manner? Is what I have to say important, or would everyone be just as well off if I kept my mouth shut? Am I talking just to hear myself talk, or is there some purpose to my “words of wisdom”?
Our attitudes are expressed in our actions. Often, it’s not what we say, but the way we say it, that really matters. As we learn to speak in a more positive manner, we will notice our attitudes improving as well.
Just for today: I want to be free of negativity. Today, I will speak and act positively.